Love in the Wild – Ep. 6: Bad luck turns into good luck, which turns back into bad luck

Last night episode began with a ‘big ass’ armadillo sighting.  Among some indigenous peoples, this apparently is a sign of good things to come.  If only Steele was conversant with aboriginal folklore, he would’ve known when he saw that ‘big ass’ armadillo – that his luck was about to change.

THE ADVENTURE

Have you ever had to find a carved stone mask hidden in a fichus tree?  Well, neither have I.  But, that’s exactly what the remaining five couples had to do last night.  Then, they had to find 4 more hidden variously on a rock pile, a guava grove, on top of a boulder, and behind a waterfall.  I won’t bore you with a tedious blow-by-blow description of the adventure.  Suffice it to say, Steele and Erica miraculously came in second, Skip instructed Teresa to find a horse with a “nice ass,” and, upon sliding into a mud pit, Erica emerged to say she detected the smell of horse**** in the air.  Along with another night at The Oasis, winning couple Samantha and Mike also won immunity and two tickets on a zip line.

ABUSE IN THE WILD

Ben, the villain of Love in the Wild. Boooo

I thought the show was about finding love in the wild.  That’s certainly not what Brandee found, however.  She found abuse – and plenty of it – thanks to Ben.  He spent a lot of time apologizing for having hurt her feelings, but when it really mattered, when the rubber met the road, that is, during the adventures, he was all over her like white on rice.  Partly because I had to use the facilities, I lost count of how many times last night he yelled at her, sounded exasperated, and barked “c’mon, c’mon, c’mon.”  He even called her “one hundred and thirty pounds of dead weight,” in front of the others at The Cabins the morning after the competition.  Sanitariums are a thing of the past, right?  People with nervous conditions go elsewhere nowadays, don’t they?  It got so bad out there in the wild, that I’d guess Brandee is probably convalescing at Walter Reed Hospital right about now, suffering, alongside our veterans of foreign wars, from a bad case of post-traumatic stress disorder.

COMEUPPANCE AT COUPLES CHOICE

Uh oh, Steele senses commitment.

Spooked by the prospect of becoming Erica’s BFF, commitment-phobe Steele cut her loose and asked Brandee to be his new partner instead.  But, Brandee declined, claiming it was a case of too little, too late.  This must have come as a great shock to the man of Steele since practically every other girl on the show had just about wet her pants at the thought of being paired with him.  Thus, Steele found himself in the so-called unmatched area despite a second place finish.  Dispensing with her dignity altogether, Erica asked Steele if he wanted to be partners again – even though he’d dropped her less than two minutes before!  Steele demurred, stating that he didn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings.  Thus, Erica found herself standing next to Steele in the unmatched area.  Then Ben asked Erica to “stick it out with him.”  But she said no even though it was her only chance to stay on the show.  And that placed Ben tambien in the unmatched area with Steele and Erica.  Since all the good ones were already taken, Brandee declined to choose either Steele or Ben when it was her turn.  She then joined the other three. Then, genial host Darren McMullen mowed ‘em all down with a Tommy Gun in a scene reminiscent of the St. Valentine’s Day massacre.   No, no, no – just kidding.  That only happened in my mind’s eye.

The math is getting so weird now that the field has been winnowed.  Last week three people ended up in the unmatched area, this week four.  Perhaps next week, everybody will end up there, and we can all go home early.

THE CURSE OF STEELE

By finishing second, Steele had finally managed – after six episodes – to remove the curse.  But then, figuring no woman – least of all poor, abused Brandee – could withstand his charms, he thought he could let Erica go and just keep on keeping on.  Ain’t it funny, though, how the cookie crumbles?  As we already know, Brandee turned him down flat, immune to his encantos masculinos, and just like that the curse was reinstated.

Let’s listen in now on the telephone conversation Steele had with his Hollywood agent immediately after being eliminated from the show.

“Steele, baby, it’s not about love.  How many times did I tell you that?  Even on the tarmac, I tried to get that concept through your thick furry skull.  Don’t you remember me yelling over the whir of the propellers, “IT’S NOT ABOUT LOVE! REMEMBER: THE SHOW IS NOT.ABOUT.LOVE!  It’s about WINNING.  Winning an all-expenses-paid trip around the world.  It’s about keeping your pretty little mug on TV for a couple more weeks.  It’s about People magazine.  Erica could’ve looked like Janet Reno, and it wouldn’t have mattered!”

LOVE – WHAT A CONCEPT!

Around the time Heather and Erica were consoling Brandee poolside, I realized that I had absolutely no business blogging about this show.  The show’s about finding love, finding that one person – albeit in the jungle.  But, I gave up on love a long time ago.  I shouldn’t be here.  I shouldn’t be doing this?  Perhaps somebody could finish up for me.

DARREN’S HAIR STYLING TIPS:

Fill a pillowcase with loads of gooey hair gel.  Slip pillowcase gently over head and face.  Massage with fingertips for two minutes.  Then, in one sudden, uninterrupted motion, rip pillowcase off head.  Under no circumstances look in the mirror before stepping outside.  Presto!

RANDOM THOUGHTS

• None whatsoever.  Check back next week.

"When we're laying in bed with my arm around you, I wanna put that moment in a (this beer) bottle and carry it around with me forever."

THE BETTING LINE

With Derek long gone, Mike seems to be the most competitive fella left in the competition.  As long as he and Samantha keep getting along, I’d say they’re the odds-on favorites to win it all.  On the other hand, the show teased trouble in the offing for the pair, so who knows?

*A reminder to my many readers: comments from people not related to me by blood are nonetheless welcome. Please comment!

-Nick Silver blogs weekly for The Tico Times on “Love in the Wild.“

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Tags: brandee, costa rica, darren mcmullen, love in the wild, steele

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